‘Your story may help one person to see their own glory’ b.x
This is not about image transformation. This is about a relationship with one self and it’s transition. A completely imperfect life that I’ve chosen to travel and I take personal responsibility.
The truth is I’ve been muzzled for long enough. The evidence has been outed and investigation finalised so I can finally open up.
I have lived in and with DV for most of my life. The truth with tears in my eyes is I actually didn’t realise the damage or that I was enduring until these last few years. My inability to understand what a respectful, kind and fulfilled relationship meant. As honestly I’d never witnessed one and certainly never lived amongst one.
A deep realisation occurred and it may have been in bare view to others for a long time. Or it may have only been seen by those who genuinely know me – But the truth is my body has been in affliction for up to 25 years. I was tormenting myself as a protective strategy. Even though I thought I was doing my best. For some even saying or thinking I looked incredible. However, the mental anguish I bought upon myself due to the ongoing abuse in my own home caused a torture that many avoid to speak of.
I maintained a constant chase of self worth – repackaged as overworking, controlling perfectionist. The constant repetition of excessive movement kept me for thinking of the torment from him.
I get asked why I didn’t tell more people. Well the truth is; who would listen? Especially in the early 2000, add the embarrassment or the question -is it my fault? Did I cause this? Do I make him angry? But worst is – some days you build the courage. Then only to be met with judgement or the comment – ‘it’s none of my business’ or ‘oh no – really? Hmmm he wouldn’t do that’ or the old view of ‘that’s just how men are’.
For many the truth is: asking for help is not easy because the abuser is extremely manipulative and has become an I. hiding their true self. The fact is also this abuse physically, emotionally, mentally and financially is unfortunately extremely hard to admit to anyone let alone ‘oneself’.
I look back at images and videos of myself and have seen a deep torment, body anguish and heart pain. I am so lean in some photos – it’s disturbing. I see it in other women currently my friends who myself at the same age looked identical. This excessively lean and body torn thin skin look. The saddest thing is I can feel them aching as they continue to persevere. I have such compassion for these beautiful women and many do not even see it in the self yet. Or even understand them-self or what is happening as it’s a blur mindset. But with love in my heart it is going to be ok.
Let’s look at a few older images and see if you can pick it. My daily regime was let’s say is ‘regimented’ and this so I did not have to feel emotional anguish. I just did it all robotically. I focussed on dulling my heart. I filled my body with perfection of nutrition and I trained perfectly daily with impeccable focussed but with unbalanced joy. I just knew if I stayed on track it was easier. But then the clarity of what I was truly feeling began bubbling up more and more often and it becoming apparent in inconvenient occasions. I was drowning in my own emptiness and chasing a line that never appeared. It looked like fun to some but there was no fun. It looked like balance but I was toppling over in one direction ‘fear of feeling’.
I finally began journaling daily and re-reading some of these notes made me see what was happening and my bodies hurdles towards healing. As the healing and moving forward from my past has always been the goal. I’m sharing this with you all now as it needs to be said. I do not want my daughter or son to see or feel like this nor be witness to it.
I’m scared to say but it has taken me 44 years to witness a gentle person a person who is not an abuser. Who is truly respectful. Who can genuinely provide a happy aura. Who speaks truth not manipulated diversion. Who allows safety. I genuinely like myself – a self that I’ve never known. I now have an authentic understanding as to why I turned myself inside out and upside down to try to overcome. The journey was up and down and took a group of people years to retrain my brain as to what is right and what was wrong. How a woman should be treated; how all people should be treated. I knew everything I have endured was incorrect but when it is lived daily it becomes normal.
This entire adventure has bought me to a point where I can help others from there to now and beyond with pure intention towards hope. It has taken an enormous amount of work to move past and finally I have hit the closure button. With the final investigations closed up. With all boundaries in place. With a safe group of people around me. With whole life balance in place. I am free.
Click in igstory or bio to read the full blog post about how you can move forward. You can step back up.
I am only sharing to help others to speak up. This will enrich you with possibility and hope. This is to empower with positivity because if I can – you can.
Health and Happiness always,